Daycare consequences

Last week when I picked up our 4yo from daycare, his teacher approached me holding a plastic bag filled with what looked like colored paper pieces.  Apparently during nap time his cot was against one of the walls and there was a spot where the paint had peeled off.  So he peeled more paint off the wall until the are was about 6x9 inches!

It was a test for me as a Parenting the Love and Logic Way™ facilitator because your first instinct is NOT to say, "Aaaahhhh.   How sad."

So Brenda and I had a discussion and decided this was a great learning opportunity.  We talked to him and let him know that peeling paint off a wall was a very sad thing to do because now he was responsible for making it right.  Since it was at daycare, he wouldn't be able to fix it himself but would have to pay to have them fix it.  So we counted up his piggy bank and then went to the hardware store to see how much it would cost to fix.

Well, with paint, spackle, sandpaper, and brush, we estimated it would be $15 to fix the spot.  That meant he was $2 short.  Oh, how sad.  How was he going to earn those extra dollars?  Would he like to hear what other kids have done?  He decided that he wasn't interested in selling any toys at the moment but cleaning the kitchen floor would work just fine.  So we got the bucket, soap, and mop and a good time was had cleaning the kitchen floor.  He was very proud of his working pointing out to me how clean it was but that it was a lot of work.  Yes!

On Monday, he handed his teacher a note with a $15 donation to the Foundation that runs the daycare and an apology.  The teacher wasn't sure how to deal with it exactly and in fact the director tried to give us the money back.  So we had to do a little explaining about how we parent.

Even a 4yo can figure out that he is the one that caused the problem and he had to be the one to solve it and because of the approach we used, neither us or the teacher is the bad guy!

A final observation.  Yesterday he was gazing wistfully at his piggy bank and said "Piggy Bank empty now."  We responded with a "Yes, that's very sad."  But then perked up and told him "But now you get to fill it up again!"

Is that too harsh as the daycare seemed to think?  What if he was 10 or 12 and did that at a friends house or at school?  What do you think he will do if his friends ever peer pressure him to commit vandalism?  My guess is he will remember well that empty piggy bank.

Day of the Dad

For me, Father's Day is a time of remembrance and reflection as well as brunch and bad ties.  At my youthful, under 50 age, I have already lived longer than my father and been married to my wife longer than I had him in my life. 

Some people unfortunately have bad memories of their fathers and would be just as happy to skip the day.  Some wish they could become fathers but can't for some reason and some are blessed through the miracle of adoption.

So as Sunday nears, think about what it means to be a father and the sacrifices made so you can have a better future.  Maybe it was missing your school concert because he was working but put that money into your college fund so you didn't have to take out a loan.  Maybe it was teaching you to fish or play sports.  Maybe it was joining you and your stuffed animals for a tea party. 

I will remember the good times with my dad, and do my best to make sure I am around as long as possible for my family, teach my kids how to become responsible adults, and most importantly, cherishing every second I have with them.

Relapse regret

Recently, one of our kids was at an event where another couple who had taken the Parenting the Love and Logic Way™ class that we facilitated was present.  Our daughter reported to us with mock horror that the couple had regressed to "counting"!  You know, "get over here by the time I count to three ... One, Two, Two and a half ..." kind of counting.

What do you do as a parent when you fall off the wagon, especially if you've gone through the class and are really trying to change the way you behave as a parent and your relationship with your child?  Throw in the towel?  Of course not.  Nobody is perfect so don't expect to be.  If you relapse in your skills, just let it go and fix it the next time.  There will always be a next time  ;)

If you would like some more tips on how to deal with kids and summer, check out what Charles Fay has to say in this week's Insider's Club post below.

Insider's Club Tip

The hard way

What do you think works better ... telling your child something is a bad idea or letting them find out on their own? 

Our daughter learned that lesson the other day.  For her birthday, we gave her some cash and let her go shopping with some of her friends.  There was a certain store she wanted to go to because it's the "cool" store that all the popular kids go to.  We thought the store was all glitz and no substance with much of the clothing inappropriate for young ladies and certainly not up to school dress codes.  But it was her money to spend.

A few days later, she was decided there was a couple things she did not want so she would return them.  When she got to the store, she got a big surprise and not the good kind.  The store does not return any item for cash back.  You can exchange an item if defective (the button on one of the shirts she bought fell off before she even took the tags off) or they will put the balance on a gift card but no money back.  Wow.  She was crushed and is now on a crusade to warn others about such restrictive return policies.

Sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do is keep your mouth shut.  It took all our willpower not to say "I told you so."  But by holding our tongue, her anger was directed where it should be.  What would have happened if we had not let her shop there?  She would blame us for not letting her do what the cool kids do.  If we warned her about the store, then she would have blamed us for letting her shop somewhere that might cause her to lose money. 

Was the lesson worth the price?  Well truly, we are the ones who lost the money but what will she do in the future?  Will she buy something without checking the return policy?  Will she do a little research into the integrity of the businesses she shops at?  Will she pay more attention to her money and where it goes so when her friends are all broke she is doing well?  From that perspective, it's a worthwhile price.

Maybe they learn too well

We were sitting in the kitchen and our two oldest kids were arguing about something.  It seems like they are cats and dogs they way they can bicker about the stupidest things.  I could tell the younger one was tiring of the whole thing and realized nothing was going to penetrate the thick skull of her older brother and her next response was, "I love you too much to argue."

Now granted, she was already in the middle of an argument and it didn't come out with near enough empathy but I think she's catching on! 

This week Charles has a message about the balance between freedom and self-control.  You can read it here.

Thanks for reading.

What not to do

Sometimes it's easier to say what not to do and this video proves it.  But seriously, do you know anyone who resembles any of these scenarios?  What would a parent that uses Love and Logic® techniques do?

Thank you class

A big Thank You to our 14 committed parents/grandparent that attend yesterday.  It was great to see so many ready to change their lives and the lives of their children. 

We put together a video a while ago to promote this class and a couple attendees have not seen it and I forgot to tell them where to find it so I'll put it here too for anyone else who wants to see.

Thanks for watching!